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Point of fact: According to the MRIs I had done recently, there's a not-insigficant chunk missing out of the left frontal lobe of my brain.
For what feels like the first time, I'm wondering just why this is. The incisions I have are on the right side of my head, where a plate of bone was taken out & later replaced, and one at the left rear. I'm not sure what the latter incision was for.
After being hit by the car, I flew some distance and landed on my head. The chunk that's missing -- was that impact damage? There are bright white lines of scar tissue in back of the missing chunk. What's that about? And the chunk that's missing -- is it actually missing, or just dead?
In other words, is part of my brain dead? As if it was stillborn and can't get out? If so, that may explain why much of the time I feel so dead inside.
It's been about 23 years since my accident. For most of that time I tried being normal. I tried to fit in. I think I am coming to the realization that I am not "normal," in the sense of physiology and structure. I'm also not normal in the sense of psyche and predilections, but that's not the subject of this post. I am, after all, perfectly okay with that.
Maybe it's time to stop trying to claw my way to the bottom of "normal" and just be at the top of the "disabled" heap. Heretofore I've been loath to ascribe "disabled" to myself. I thought I was too high-functioning for that. By so doing, I've put myself in a wierd no-man's-land beween the two sides of the coin. I'm on the edge.
Part of me thinks that such classifications are unnecessary, that I should just be me and be done with it. That I shouldn't worry about artificial labels. I certainly realize the wisdom in not worrying about it and just getting on with it. But part of the "me" that is needs to classify things in order to understand them.
I think that so far I've done a pretty poor job of classifying and understanding myself, despite how hard I've tried to do so.Tunes: thom - love is real |
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Depression is the black dog that constantly nips at my heels. I've tried fighting him; I've tried giving in to him; nothing seems to have any effect. He's always there, despite my best efforts, despite the moments of lucidity that I occasionally have -- notably my fairly-recent post about the 10 ways to beat depression.
In those moments of hope and clarity, it seems as if he can be beaten. My most common experience of him, though, is that he cannot be beaten, that he is an inexorable and inexhaustible opponent. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, he will be there.
I am tired of this fight. I am tired of giving up, I am tired of giving in, I am tired of struggling and struggling -- to what end? What's on the other side? What am I struggling for? Some bullshit Pollyanna experience? Am I yearning to be enlightened, to be like one of those people with the perpetual smiles on thier faces? I think not. I would be satisfied with a reasonably happy yet realistic and rational outlook on life. Even a median level of happiness would be a step up for me.
I realise that in every day, every hour, every minute I have a choice of whether to give in, or not. I'm tired of making those choices; I want to move on to bigger and better choices.
It's funny how small-yet-meaningful things happen at the most opportune times. I was reading my friends' list here, and I stumbled across a post by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) beldar -- who I hardly know, by the way -- that said, in part:
The bolded statement on your userinfo page: "We are all survivors."Is that inspired by anything in particular, or refer to something specific?
I first wrote that statement in a TwoHeadedCat.comcolumn about my being a cancer survivor. I had Hodgekins lymphoma in 1994. It was caught in an early stage so was knocked out with six months of chemo and eight weeks of radiation. But it seemed odd that itwas just that, that defined me as "survivor." So many of us have madeit through disease or tragedy or abuse. But just the mere fact that weare breathing means that we are surviving. So I put that on the page as a reminder. I've been told that reassurance has helped others as well.
Hope comes from odd places. But I don't know what I'm going to do with that small shred of hope, especially when I have this annoying compulsion of shooting myself down when I manage to get a little happy. It's as if I feel I don't deserve to be happy. Or hopeful.
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I have suffered from depression for ... well, I don't know how long. But a long time. I think this makes me qualified to speak as an expert, at least on this one subject. Nearly every day is a constant battle, and to be perfectly honest with you, I'm sick of it. I hate the constant fight, the never ending struggle. So with this post I'm going to try some meta-thinking about depression -- in other words, I'm going to think about thinking about depression.
And from this thinking I'm going to distill ten ways to beat depression.
10. Have a structurally normal brain. Depression is a disease like any other, only it affects the body's most complex organ. If that organ is damaged, well, then you're a step behind everyone else already. Oh! A note from the Speak For Yourself Department: You guys already have me beat on this one, what with my Traumatic Brain Injury and all. But I'm still fighting.
9. Be at least somewhat productive every day. I don't mean pushing papers about, or shuffling files on a computer, or beating one more level in that Very Challenging Game you're playing. Those things are all too abstract. I mean affect your environment in a positive way. Do something that you can step back and say "wow! I did that!" So mow the lawn. Paint the fence. Stick pins in a map. Draw something. Clean a single room in your home. And yes, I know that us knowledge workers have it very tough in this area.
8. Quit staring into the abyss already. You're not doing anyone a service by doing so, least of all yourself. To borrow from one of the wiser people I know, haikujaguar: Lingering on negativity only makes you more susceptible to it. Dwelling on it allows the abyss to get its hooks in you; prolonged association will only drag you down and corrode your spirit. When you feel these negative things, then observe them, acknowledge them, and let them go.
7. Listen to positive music. Nine Inch Nails is all fine and good. Trent has his place, certainly. But for me, music is very powerful -- it is a great influence on my spirit. My struggle is great enough without having to fight that, too. Baroque classical music seems to help me a lot, especially the works of Johann Sebastian Bach. I don't listen to it all the time, certainly, but when I feel especially bad, The "Little" Fugue in G minor is all I need. Devotional chanting helps me a lot as well, such as Deva Premal, Rasa or Krishna Das.
6. Get back in touch with the Divine. And that's however you understand the Divine, which is different from how I do, or how your mother does, or your best friend, or whatever. The music I list above helps me do this. I also have a little altar set up behind my computer. On it are a few objects that either are or represent things that are important to me. At least twice a day -- after I get up and before I lay down -- I stop at this altar and do whatever feels appropriate at the time. Most times I will visualize what I'm trying to being in to my life; other times I will give thanks, other times I will take a few moments to just be.
5. Be grateful. I can't overemphasize this enough. Be grateful for everything in your life, from being able to wake up in the morning to having relatively clean and breathable air to having edible food to the unexpected gift you got to ... you get the idea. Gratitude is often its own reward, because the more grateful you are, the lighter you feel, the more tolerant you are. All this leads to -- you guessed it -- less depression, more happiness. Try it with some friends, even if you say nothing other than "thank you for being in my life." While you're at it, remember what goes around, comes around: I get inordinately happy when I get little messages like this (so rare!), and that makes me more likely to be happy and pass it on to other folks who might need a touch of happiness in their lives.
4. Get up and move around. Pay attention to what your body is telling you! Physical activity, especially of the strenuous kind, releases endorphins in the brain -- special chemicals that make us feel good. When your ass starts hurting, as mine is now, that's a sign you need to get up and get some blood flowing. Yes, I know motivation is hard. Yes, I've heard most of the excuses, having made many of them myself. But there's no substitute for just doing it. Thanks, Nike.
3. Take a shower. Jump in the bath. Relax in the hot tub. Dive into the pool. Skinnydip in the creek. More than just getting wet, these are all symbolic acts -- of getting clean, letting the water wash away our troubles, cares and worries. Speaking for myself, there's a certain mental shift that goes on when I am in the shower. Everything seems easier to deal with, problems seem smaller and more manageable. And I don't stink any more! Bonus!
2. Expose yourself to beauty. Every day. And I don't mean flashing a rose bush! Every day you need to read good poetry. Examine wonderful art. Take a walk in nature. Put on a favorite piece of music. Whatever you feel is beautiful, whatever you feel passionate about -- that's the thing to do. Whatever you're avoiding now -- that's the thing you need to ingest. It will lift your spirits, trust me.
and the most important way to beat depression and get happy --
1. Make the choice. Being happy doesn't just happen magically. We'd like to believe it does; I believed it did for a very long time. Truth be told, though, being happy is hard work. That's a choice that I need to make every day -- and usually more often. But the point is, if you don't want to be happy, then you're not going to be. Simple as that.
Of course, your mileage may vary. But these are some of the things that worked for me, and I've a feeling they just might work for you , too.
And of course, please feel free to tell me what you think, or how well these worked for you. I love hearing success stories!Tunes: Godsmack - Bad Religion |
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After I got booted from the LJ Idol competition, I just sorta dropped off the face of LJ, didn't I?
Maybe part of that was Shame talking to me, because I got booted for my inability to meet a deadline, not because of my writing abilities.
Part of it is the depression talking, and I just realised the other day that it's sort of a catch-22 -- the French Connection of blogging, if you will. See, I don't do a lot of things , like write, exercise, and so on, because don't feel good. And I don't feel good because I don't write, I don't exercise.
And so the cycle perpetuates itself. If you're wondering, then yes, it helps a little to say that, to confess that, though my inner cynic wonders how long it will last.
I still see beauty, I still attempt to immerse myself in it, but it never seems to last.
I am trying, I am trying.
Oh, and I stopped taking the Trileptal some time ago. I didn't like what it was doing to me, and I have to go see a psychiatrist to get on something else.
It's a slow process. Thanks for bearing with me. Enough about me, though. What sorts of things are youstruggling with these days?Tunes: The Field - Over The Ice |
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Mar. 26th, 2007 @ 10:46 am
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As evinced by my previous note, I was really bad this morning, depression-wise. It was so bad that gina put in a call to my neurologist, Dr Munir.
Apparently I now need to finance someone else's yacht. He wants me to go see a psychiatrist.
I reckon they will push more drugs at me. Yay. Granted, that's more or less what I was seeing Dr Munir for in the first place. But my experience with psychiatrists so far has ... not been positive.
I am depressed. On the medication I'm on, I'm more depressed. Granted, it hasn't yet had a chance to work. But I'm not sure I can wait through the "darkest before the dawn" crap.
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!happy
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Nov. 11th, 2006 @ 02:23 pm
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OK. So this is what's been going on. I've not been writing much, especially on here, because I have been depressed. I have had problems with self-esteem. I've had some serious bouts of crappy-body-image. At times, the least little thing will provoke me into crying. I've been pretty lethargic. I'm stressed at work, for various reasons. Thursday (first day of my "weekend," currently) I was struck down with a big-nasty-verystrongbad headache (apparently due to molds). This does not make me happy.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix this. But this seems to be what is wrong with me. This is what has been wrong with me for some time. And to be honest, I'm sick of it.
I am not happy. I have moments of happiness, to be sure. I even have days of happiness, from time to time. But I am not, generally, happy. How do I get happy? I have no clue. Some people just are. Some, apparently, are not. I want to be happy, but I have precious little idea what will make me happy in the long run.
I don't want a medal for this post, or a monument. I'm not trying to be a martyr. I know other folks have depression too, and they deal with it in their own ways. I'm just letting you know what's going on with me now.
I am so tired of this fight. So tired.
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