and I am

Tweets for Today

Thu, 15 May 2008 08:36:38 GMT

15:21 ouch - walked to lunch, about broke my arm getting back in apartment complex. Had arm stuck through gate trying to trigger; it opened! eeee #

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Tweets for Today

Wed, 14 May 2008 08:37:09 GMT

15:13 Damn if I don't get in shape - I'm tired from dragging heavy boxes around & up stairs! #

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Tweets for Today

Sun, 11 May 2008 08:37:15 GMT

22:13 getting hotter. Pretty skies! Fighting with Gina a lot these past few days. That sucks. #

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Tweets for Today

Fri, 09 May 2008 08:38:48 GMT

19:28 falling into the groove at work. Forgetting to update here and on LJ. Le oops! Trying to eat healthy(er). Um. #

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Tweets for Today

Sun, 04 May 2008 08:39:44 GMT

18:12 first movie I've seen in forever: Iron Man! That was money well spent, and not all "summer blockbuster blowy uppy" either. Excellent! #

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finally, an update

Sat, 03 May 2008 23:57:29 GMT

Well, apparently some of you are curious about my job. And in this first-real-entry-in-a-while, I'll tell you about it.

It's a small office, set up in an apartment. There's three people there, plus one part timer. I'm doing stuff I've never done before -- namely working with medical records. This doctor moved here from Louisiana, after Katrina hit. He had a lot of records, a lot of equipment; he was the head of one of those practices called "Fixy McFixalot, MD & Associates."

Not only did Katrina put a crimp in his practice, but in the last year or two he was in business, he outsourced his billing to a company that did a terrible job. They missed at least one claim in three. If the claim was never submitted, then it was never paid by Medicare or Medicaid or whatever insurance company the patient might have had. So the doctor has tens of thousands of dollars that live in a few thousand feet of shelved patient files.

One of the things I'm doing is helping him audit these records -- going through them and cross referencing the work that was done on a patient versus the work that was actually paid for. It's different; I've never really had a head for columns of figures or dense tables, much less poor photocopies of charts and cryptic handwritten notes. But it's kind of fun at the same time. It's kind of like a treasure hunt, only without the pretty jewelry at the end.

The other thing I'm doing is high-level conceptual work. The doctor has lots of great ideas, one of which is somehow making this business of data mining viable and extensible to others. In other words, this billing company screwed up on him, so it stands to reason that other practices also have money languishing in similar files. I'm trying to help make this happen for him. He's got most of the tools in place, like computers, a good database program, and a high speed scanner. He said that he's willing to purchase the other necessary tools\, like Adobe Acrobat Professional (he's been turning scanned files into Portable Document Format, but we need something better than the free Reader) and some optical character recognition software (to turn the PDF images into searchable text). He also wants to know at a glance what procedures were done on which patients, and the database is the ticket to doing that.

So it's all new territory for me. I've never worked with medical records, and I haven't worked with databases since college. They seem to like me, they seem to trust me, and I hope I can do right by them.

I'm happy to say that for once, I was at the right place at the right time. I've needed a job like this for some time -- challenging, low stress, not working for The Man in some way. It's all 1099 work, meaning I have to pay my own taxes, but beggahs canna be choosahs, right?

All in all, it's a good gig, and I'm happy I have it. The doctor is a smart man, crazy with ideas, and a lot like me. The person who I'm assisting is a sweetheart, too.

Tweets for Today

Sat, 03 May 2008 08:38:13 GMT

14:10 @capearce81 I wanted to see Idiocracy, but haven't yet. Worth it? #
14:12 just got my first check at work -- woot! And they gave me a key to the place' I can come and go as I please. Things are going so well! #

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Tweets for Today

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 08:42:45 GMT

13:23 2d week at work is going well - I feel useful, like part ofa team, rather than just a cog in a machine. Yay better work! #

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Tweets for Today

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 08:41:49 GMT

18:27 yesterday I was going to say I was spending quality time at the Wiener Dog races, a rather hick pastime - but my phone had no charge! #

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Tweets for Today

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 08:39:29 GMT

13:49 Looking at pics of strangers - involuntarily i think 'theyre beautiful!' #

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Tweets for Today

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 08:39:54 GMT

11:48 On my first day - i've never done anything like this. Brain drain! #
16:13 Don't need or want to stress about school - so am going to ACC in the fall. Eep! #

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Tweets for Today

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 08:40:58 GMT

16:57 slept like crap again last night -- maybe need a new bed. We are not small people. Oh, hey -- I got the job! Lasts at least 3 mos. #
18:09 just checked financial aid status. Expected family contribution zero. Not sure what that means; guess I go back to the aid dept @ school. #

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Tweets for Today

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 09:00:28 GMT

16:43 really tired ... but interview was stellar. just did HW with A. Um ... blankness descends. Got up way too early, didn't sleep well anyway. #

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Tweets for Today

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 08:35:25 GMT

17:52 today's job interview was postponed. Just as well; brain not working well; emotions labile as well. @web-enabled restaurant now; Woo. #

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this is worth the post.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 23:38:33 GMT

TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) is an invitation-only event where the world's leading thinkers and doers gather to find inspiration. It is inspiring and thought-provoking, which I love. I have been following it off and on for some time now.

I recently got this mail from them, and I felt like I had to share. What inspires you?

Here's an inspiring way to start the week.

Take a look at these films. They are each just one minute long. They feature a choir in one country singing another country's national anthem: a simple idea that packs surprising emotional power.

France sings for USA

Japan sings for Turkey

Kenya sings for India

They were shot by film directors looking to support the landmark TED project Pangea Day (which I hope you have calendared for Saturday, May 10).

The event is looking amazing, and I will be writing with some breaking news later in the week. Meanwhile, check out the trailer. And do feel free to forward this note.

- Chris Anderson, TED Curator

P.S. There are more of these anthems on the way.

And I repeat: what inspires you?

Tweets for Today

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 08:35:13 GMT

17:36 computing at a playscape with wifi, watching A play.
Posts to write: about the selfdiscovery, why I like Obama. #
19:18 @everyone: I know I've been a bad LJ friend. I haven't been spending much time on it lately. These things come in phases for me anyway. #

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Tweets for Today

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 08:40:22 GMT

15:10 Reading at a Mexican restaurant in a dingy strip center, gonna get A soon #

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twittering

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 23:45:28 GMT

Okay. I've been busy, somewhat ... with a bunch of little things that are more suited to Twittering than actual full length posts. (for those that don't know, Twitter is a service that will let you make "micro-updates" from IM or phone te4xt messaging).

And it now works with Virgin Mobile, my current provider (it didn't before). Yay!

SO I was wondering: Do any of you know how to make posts out of your Twitter stream? I've seen it done here on LJ, but thought I'd ask my friends before I start asking people I don't know.

singin' silly songs day

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 20:48:24 GMT

heh! Guess what -- there's a little bit special about this day.

Wheeee :)

I had hoped that my tax return would be here by now, so there could be a little sometin' sometin' ... but it's not. So that will be late, but we are going to dinner tonight. Yay!

That's about it -- I've been going to schools and getting together information for my new venture, that being going back to school. I'm getting more serious about it as time goes on; as I think I said before, I'm sick of this rut I'm in.

Anyway, everyone hoist a glass for me, eh? Have a great day & spare a kind thought for me. It's my birthday!

scared shitless

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 00:37:03 GMT

Okay, here's the thing that's been occupying a large part of my thoughts for the past few days:

I am seriously considering going back to school.

As of this Friday, I will be staring middle age in the teeth, and I have precious little to show for it. I am not respected or recognized, I am not an expert in my field, I am not consulted for much of anything. I am tired of getting nowhere fast and depending on others for support. I know, I know, brain injury and all, but for fuck's sake -- I can't let that stop me. I have to do what I can.

I already have a Bachelor's degree in computer science. But I'm tired of babysitting cranky computers, and the thought of computer support of any kind makes me cringe. I will slit my own wrists before I set foor in another call center. rhianwyn would have my head first, anyway.

So yeah. My dream is grAphic design. Art of some kind. Pushing pixels around a page makes me happy, and that's what I want to do. I'm tired of settling, and I'm tired of cowering in a corner when things don't go my way.

I have no idea how I'm going to pull this off. There are two big hurdles: The paying-for-it thing (the local community college is about $5000; I don't remember if that's per-semester or for the full program), and there's the job-in-the-interim thing. I don't know who's going to want to hire me with a school schedule and child care to work around.

But I'm tired of being passed over for jobs because I haven't a proper portfolio, or because I have no regular schooling.

I hope my resolve lasts longer than I fear it will.

answer to a question

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 01:07:51 GMT

NB: I am going dark shortly after this. Though I am not using the userpictures or made posts about it, I feel strongly enough about censorship to at least pay lip service to tomorrow's Content Strike.

ed using In response to a recent ask/tell poll, the lovely ladytairngire asks:

A) Do you subscribe to the idea that illness and injuries are more than just accidental, that they are often symbolic and/or are messages from the Universe [or fill in your favorite term here]?
B) If not, pretend for a moment that you do. What meaning do you take from the accident you had that has so effected [sic] your life?

In a recent post, I allusded to the fact that I thought I survived my Traumatic Brain Injury for a reason. To this day, though, I can't fathom what that reason might have been. Indeed, I am starting to lose hope for ever finding such a reason.

"But you're father to a wonderful girl," some might say. "Isn't that enough?"

"No," I would reply. "It's not enough." I want to leave my mark on this world; I want to be known for my accomplishments. Ariann's life is hers; like an arrow shot from a bow, I have precious little control over her aside from the initial thrust and direction. She is her own person, and it is not my place to ride her coattails.

I can safely say that rhianwyn and I have done well with her, far better than was done with either of us.

But Ariann is not the subject of this post. My TBI is, and how the Universe might have been communicating with me through it.

If indeed that is what happened, then I would say in response "Couldn't you have found a better way to send me a message?" For though I am high-functioning, there are things that continue to this day that clearly delineate my disability: Constant tinnitus (ringing in the ears). Near constant headaches. Inability to hold a job. Lack of motivation and ambition. Cognitive fatigue that can strike at any moment -- as if my brain would throw up its hands (if it had hands) and say "Nope! I'm done! Too much input. Shutting down now."

Oh, and something else about my injury: It's invisible. You wouldn't know about it if I didnb't tell you, and for the majority of the 23 years since my accident, I've discounted it, downplayed the impact it has had on my life, and generally tried to get along as a "normal" person in a "normal world."

I've tried and generally failed, now that I look back on it.

So what was the Universe trying to say to me, and why did it use the cosmic equivalent of a 155mm howitzer to get the message across?

I still have no idea what it was trying to say, or why. I may wonder all the way to my grave, but nonetheless I believe that there was a reason. Even if I don't know what that reason was.

Does that answer the question?

on specialization

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 22:59:14 GMT

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

This is one of the quotations of Lazarus Long, a fictional character created by the science fiction writer Robert A Heinlein (goddess rest his soul). I found this quotation and many others in a beautifully illuminated book I purchased from my teenage job at Laguna Books.

Little did I know it at the time, but this quotation set the course for my life. I found a certain sense of ego superiority in consciously (and vocally) refusing to specialize. My parents were little help, because they never really encouraged me to pursue things that were interesting to me. To be fair, they did fund certain ... escapades, but after those failed, that was it. There was nothing left to fill that void.

This quotation taught me to be afraid of specialization. I rationalized that specializing would mean closing doors, and I didn't want to do that. I wanted to have all the options open to me all the time.

Much later in life I am learning that it doesn't work that way.

I turned that quotation into justification for not pursuing my own interests, for letting fear rule me. I turned it into a treatise on What Good Men Do. I turned it into a personal manifesto of what I should do with my life.

I'm tired of it. My birthday is soon, I am staring middle age in the teeth and I have precious little to show for it. I have not yet made my mark on the world. There is a mark to be made, I'm sure of it; why else would I have survived my accident 23 years ago? But right now I am fairly content to sit and write, read LJ and play games.

Content, that is, except for the growing sense of discomfort and unquiet. To what end do I do these things?

Of course, I learned how to do all those things in the quotation to varying degrees. I learned to do more, as well. But it wasn't enough. It didn't make me happy, and I don't know what will.

on the naming of things in my head

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:41:26 GMT

I have long said that I've wanted to have worlds in my head, worlds I can write about. Things that I can feel compelled to write about. I like to create, I like to draw, to write, to paint, but as much as I've done it I don't seem to have a fire under me to do it. I don't have to do it, in other words.

Over the past few days, though, I have noticed that names have been popping into my head, seemingly at random and with little or no provocation. I was playing a game recently, not thinking of anything in particular. Indeed, I was in a sort of gaming satori, or Zen state of no-mind. Suddenly pouf the name Graeme Tenderlarch appears. This name does not appear in anything I'm playing, anything I've seen or anything I'm reading at the moment. I can't remember the other names that have occurred to me, or when, but I do know -- this is not the first time.

There doesn't seem to be anything behind the names. Their personality, if indeed they have one, does not pop into my head, fully-formed and Athena-like.

So what I'd like to know is -- is this this significant in some way? Names themselves are very important to me; naming is often the hardest part of any role-playing or character generation I do. Perhaps I should make note of these names, see if further elements come to me. Meditate on them, even.

I feel so woefully unprepared for this sort of thing.

my day approacheth

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 21:27:29 GMT

I had High and Mighty plans -- I was going to talk about my day at the beginning of the month. But then the stuff started hitting the fan, as I talked about in my last post. I kept forgetting, and when I would remember about it I was in no position to post. Then I'd forget about it, and the cycle would repeat.

So here's the Big News of the month: My birthday is coming up on the 28th!

I'll be ... swiftly approaching middle age *facepalm*

And not having much to show for it, at least in my own mind. But -- self-discovery, as I alluded to last post. It seems to be working, as rhianwyn has told me I've been a real moody and emotionally labile asshole the past few days, which is a sure sign of Things Being Shaken Up. So, better late than never, and all that.

If you're in the mood to get me something, well, well-wishes or a card will certainly be wonderful! I love things that you've made yourself. I really do. Dark chocolate works as well. And I wouldn't turn down anything on my Amazon wish list either, or Half Price Books gift cards, or even Best Buy.

Contact me here if you want my address for cards or whatever -- or if you want to bitch me out for writing an atypical self-aggrandizing post olike this one :)

Comments are screened!

edit: fixed comment screening -- I really shouldn't write thigns like this when I'm so tired.

What's been going on the last few weeks

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 23:33:55 GMT

Some time around three weeks ago, the excrement hit the rotary device. Quite hard. This is why I haven't been posting or talking much; it's been all I could do to keep up with normal friends-friends-list-reading.

Thing the first: Some Friday, a quarter of one of rhianwyn's back teeth cracked off, leaving her in some pretty severe pain over the weekend. It had been bugging her for a while, but was tolerable; we were going to have it taken care of when I got my tax refund. That Monday she saw a dentist (President's Day, I think) and he told her a) it was abscessed and had been for a while, and b) he couldn't extract it. This is one of those teeth that is thre-rooted; in most people, they are tightly together. In Gina they were splayed out too much. Small surprise there, as she has had other similar problems with her upper teeth, like one root being hooked and another going up into her sinus cavity.

So we had to wait a day or two so she could go to an oral surgeon, who at least was very nice and made us feel good about dropping so much money (it's very tight right now). Thank the gods for people willing to help.

Thing the second: On Thursday following the extraction, rhianwyn found out that her mom was having a possible heart attack. She quickly drove down to San Antonio to be with her, and to take care of her grandmother who is about 90, in a wheelchair and can't do much for herself. This turned everything on its ear for the two and a half weeks she was down there, as I was doing everything around the house. I don't mind the normal sharing the duties with Gina, but all of a sudden I was doing it all.

Lots of other people do it with more style and grace than I did, so I'm not bitching -- it was just different, and there was no preparation. Let's just say that I am not now, nor have I ever been a morning person. And I couldn't work at all, being that I was Ariann's sole child care, and we can't afford after school care (it's exporbitantly expensive for the day to day basis that she'd have been on, and only slightly less so if you buy a month in advance).

Gina's mother went to the hospital for severe pain in her back. It turned out that three of the coronary arteries on the back of her heart were blocked. They fixed one of them with an angioplasty, but the other two were hooked too much and will have to be treated with medication. The pain she was in was so severe, they put her on morphine, which leads to sub-thing the first: a pill lodged in her esophagus, dissolved there, and ulcerated the tissue, causing her to bleed profusely on the inside.

Gina noticed this afterher mother was released from the hospital. She was quickly taken back, where transfusions ensued and the ER doctor said "if you'd waited even half an hour more, your mother would likely be dead."

Five pints of blood, an upper GI and two weeks later, Gina's mother is back home and doing much much better, although she still gets weak very quickly.

Thing the third: The Friday after Gina's tooth extraction (and after she left for San Antonio), her boss tried to fire her for 'all the time missed.' Is that including the days that she drug her sick ass to work, and you sent her home anyway? Is that including the vacation that was approved the year before, and that you had three months to disallow? Gina looked at her time sheets recently, and she's missed three days in the last four months, as compared to her boss' three or four weeks. She's had a ski vacation here, a wakeboarding contest there, and over there was a week's camping trip for her birthday. How's that for a double standard?

Three hours after she fired Gina, her boss realized what a mistake she'd made, and called back to cry a lot and unfire Gina. Turns out that bosslady is under a lot of stress too, for other reasons, but that still doesn't give her the right to make Gina the punching bag of the week.

This past Friday, Gina came home (finally!) and she went back to work yesterday (her birthday). Gina's boss was there; she was scared to talk to Gina as she knows how bad she screwed up. Gina came in loaded for bear, ready to evbiscerate her boss should the opportunity arise. It all worked out, I think, but Gina will be looking for a new job soon. She loves what she does, just not who she does it for.

In other news, a portion of my back fence has fallen due to recent high winds (and rotten wood), my car's oil light has been coming on a lot, the dogs are in the house all the time, and so on. But my tax refund should be here soon, I'm starting on a new course of self discovery which I'll write more about later, and things are starting to look normal again around here. Even better, almost.