anamacha: answer to a question

:: an artist rising :: (

anamacha) wrote,
@ 2008-03-20 20:07:00

Current music:	Behold and See (from Handel's Messiah) - Jon Schmidt
Entry tags:	ariann, introspection, tbi

answer to a question
NB: I am going dark shortly after this. Though I am not using the userpictures or made posts about it, I feel strongly enough about censorship to at least pay lip service to tomorrow's Content Strike.

ed using In response to a recent ask/tell poll, the lovely ladytairngire asks:

A) Do you subscribe to the idea that illness and injuries are more than just accidental, that they are often symbolic and/or are messages from the Universe [or fill in your favorite term here]?
B) If not, pretend for a moment that you do. What meaning do you take from the accident you had that has so effected [sic] your life?

In a recent post, I allusded to the fact that I thought I survived my Traumatic Brain Injury for a reason. To this day, though, I can't fathom what that reason might have been. Indeed, I am starting to lose hope for ever finding such a reason.

"But you're father to a wonderful girl," some might say. "Isn't that enough?"

"No," I would reply. "It's not enough." I want to leave my mark on this world; I want to be known for my accomplishments. Ariann's life is hers; like an arrow shot from a bow, I have precious little control over her aside from the initial thrust and direction. She is her own person, and it is not my place to ride her coattails.

I can safely say that

rhianwyn and I have done well with her, far better than was done with either of us.

But Ariann is not the subject of this post. My TBI is, and how the Universe might have been communicating with me through it.

If indeed that is what happened, then I would say in response "Couldn't you have found a better way to send me a message?" For though I am high-functioning, there are things that continue to this day that clearly delineate my disability: Constant tinnitus (ringing in the ears). Near constant headaches. Inability to hold a job. Lack of motivation and ambition. Cognitive fatigue that can strike at any moment -- as if my brain would throw up its hands (if it had hands) and say "Nope! I'm done! Too much input. Shutting down now."

Oh, and something else about my injury: It's invisible. You wouldn't know about it if I didnb't tell you, and for the majority of the 23 years since my accident, I've discounted it, downplayed the impact it has had on my life, and generally tried to get along as a "normal" person in a "normal world."

I've tried and generally failed, now that I look back on it.

So what was the Universe trying to say to me, and why did it use the cosmic equivalent of a 155mm howitzer to get the message across?

I still have no idea what it was trying to say, or why. I may wonder all the way to my grave, but nonetheless I believe that there was a reason. Even if I don't know what that reason was.

Does that answer the question?

(Post a new comment)

ladytairngire
2008-04-08 02:31 pm UTC (link)

I suppose it does.

That is a frustrating place to be - to assume there is a reason yet have no idea what it is. Hell, it could be something as out-there as "if the equivalent of a 155mm howitzer had not prevented you from continuing on your day, you may have gone on to become a major asshole who's behavior would set off a chain of events that would culminate in world-wide famine." I mean, hell.
Hell.
But you're here - and there must be a reason for THAT.
Hope you make the best of it.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

anamacha
2008-04-08 11:33 pm UTC (link)

yes, you could say that -- it is a rather frustrating place to be. I wish I knew what that reason was, but your question sort of presupposed that I (or anyone) would have the intellect to second-guess the Universe or the Divine, and ... well, I am not quite THAT full of myself.

You're right about your howitzer scenario -- it might have been prevention on the part of the Unknowable. But I can't help but wonder -- how much better off would I have been had the accident not happened to me? What would I have gone on to become?

Of course,I'll never know now, at least in this lifetime. I'm trying to make the best of it, but I can't help but wonder.

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ladytairngire
2008-04-09 12:57 pm UTC (link)

I accept that there are things that we are not meant to understand, even things that have direct consequences on our lives. But on the other hand, I tend to think that we are partners in our own destiny. Senior partners. Generally. So the presupposition is intentional. In this sense, I think it's awesome to be full of yourself! You know, the Universe can't steer a parked car.
Or maybe it could, but it's a hell of a lot easier if someone turns the key and the wheel and works the pedal thingies. :)

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anamacha
2008-04-10 03:34 am UTC (link)

huh, interesting!

I have long believed in free will -- we can make our own choices and such. But destiny and divinity? I've thought that if it existed (which I have precious little evidence of), then it was generally disinterested in me personally. IOW, I don't think that they take a direct hand in my life.

With regard to my accident -- maybe they have. But if that is true, then why have they not taken a more direct or obvious hand in my life afterwards? Why can I not percieve the clues that they are presumably dropping? Why has my ambition and motivation essentially vanished?

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

ladytairngire
2008-04-10 03:00 pm UTC (link)

I assume those are rhetorical questions?

In my own personal philosophy, free will and destiny are not mutually exclusive. Also, I don't think it is the Universe per se that acts on individual destiny, but the individual him or herself. In other words, say, we design our own karma before we come to play it out on earth. And all along some vestige of our spiritual self is whispering in our corporeal self's ear.

Also, in my philosophy, the whole purpose of living is to learn, so it follows that life events, even terrible accidents, hold some lesson. I see evidence of otherworldy involvement all the time. Then again, I look for it.

I said to someone recently, whether or not the messages I find are real or merely aspects of my imagination are ultimately irrelevant, because that is the essence of faith in the first place.

I love philosophy over coffee. Don't you?

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

anamacha
2008-04-11 10:34 pm UTC (link)

they're mostly rhetorical, yes, because you don't know much about my particular situation. But if you have any clues/answer/insight/whatever then they're much appreciated!

Anyway. Part of my ... thing is that I was raised in the ZCatholic church, where Destiny was a bearded old man on a throne, and individuals were catapulted into guilt and not encouraged to forge their own way. "Let go and let god," they'd say, and that never made sense to me as I was never able to conjure up the magical quality that everyone else had called 'faith.'

So these whispers that you talk of -- I was never encouraged to listen for them. I'm trying to do it now, but through the lens of poor self-esteem and self-doubt, I'm never sure I'm doing it right.

Oh, and there was my accident, too, which happened when I was 15. Any nascent destiny that might have been manifesting was transformed into the sole mandate to "SURVIVE."

My parents, understandably, became rather overprotective and smothering, so right when I graduated high school I shot out from under them like Taco Bell hot sauce from a stomped-on packet. No guidance was given me (not that I understood, anyway), nothing was done to form or shape me. It was all me, and I had nmot a clue on how to proceed.

So I didn't, and I let the fear take over.

And that's the way it is right now. I'm trying to step out, as it's high time I did so. I'm going back to school in the Fall, I'm working on some self-discovery that I alluded to earlier and I'll talk more about later.

So. How do you look for otherworldly involvement? And where do you see it?

Yes, I love this stuff, regardless of what it's shared over. Can't you tell? :)

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

ladytairngire
2008-04-12 02:03 pm UTC (link)

I guess the easiest way to answer that is to say I watch for the sisters: Serendipty and Coincidence. When they appear, I tend to view it as intentional. Like, there's a reason I should be thinking about x and a story about x appears on the tv and a song about x on the radio and a book about x falls off the shelf...

A neat incident that happened just the other day: I prayed to a Goddess for strength and guidance. I offered her a cup of tea (as i am wont to do). It was Yogi tea, the kind with cutesy messages typed on the label, inside the wrapper... guess what? The message was about inner strength.

It's a little thing, but definitive proof to me that there are extraoridnary forces at work.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	anamacha 2008-04-12 06:17 pm UTC (link)
	ah, gotcha. And I do the same sort of thing; I observe the same sort of thing. I know there's SOME thing there to attribute it to, I just don't know what it is. (Reply to this)(Parent)

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